That’s one of the pitfalls and joys of this cyber life we live.  The internet lets us shrink the planet and have “friends” all over the world.  But unless you can afford to drive cross-country or take a plane somewhere, what are the odds of actually meeting these people?

Don’t get me wrong.  I love my internet friends.  I could  see most of the contiguous 48 states and at least three other countries if I took a road trip to find and meet them all.  It would be one helluva fun trip.  But, alas, it’s not very feasible for me to travel to meet everyone.  At least not all at once.

So how do you know who you’re talking to?  The truth of it is, you don’t.  I could be anything at all on my side of this screen.  Short, tall, blonde, bald, warted, purple, anorexic, 600 pounds, tattooed, pale, color blind, prosthetic leg, brunette, pudgy, male…. Do you get the point?  It’s hard to know someone without meeting them in person.

That brings the next question:  how do you build trust over the internet?  It takes time, yes.  And lots of conversations.  Not just emails, but conversations on a messenger site or in a chat room.  You have to ask a lot of questions and give a lot of answers.  I call it 20 Questions even though I usually ask more like 100 or so.  But I do afford most people the benefit of the doubt that they are going to answer honestly.

I’ve said before that you can ask me anything.  But you have to be willing to answer the same questions yourself.  That means you have to be sure you’re ready to answer before you ask me.  I’ve been called The Queen of Brutally Honest.  It’s true.  I want to know how people tick and how they make decisions and why they do some of the things they do.  I won’t ask you a question I’m not willing to answer.  Chances are that I’ve already asked myself the question so I can find out what my answer will be.

Just for the record I am female, short, overweight like most of the nation, brunette, hazel eyes, with some tan left from this past summer.  If you ask me I’ll tell you that I’m happily divorced, looking to meet new friends, hoping to find a new relationship of the romantic variety.

If we’ve talked online more than a couple of times then I have at least interest in you as a friend, possibly more.  By the time we’ve talked a few times each week for a month, I would hope we would be starting to know each other better and have a certain amount of trust between us.  Maybe we’ve traded pictures of each other, a major feat if you have some of my pics.

After 2 or 3 months we should be pretty good friends.  Trust should be automatic.  Even online.  I have made a few romantic connections on the internet, met in person.  The few I met a second time are now good friends.  I think it is possible to find a partner online and to have a healthy relationship.  But it takes a lot of communication on both sides of the screen.

At the very least be trusting enough after a month or so of conversation to tell me your last name.  I’m not a stalker.  To be honest, I don’t have the time to be a stalker even if I was so inclined.  I think it would be much more fun to get to know you, plan a meeting for coffee maybe.

So the last question for now:  how much do you trust me?

To date, I don’t do scary, gory, or horror.  I’m not sure I have a dark side that’s dark enough to tap into.  I’ve never been one to be intentionally cruel or vindictive and I tend to stay away from people who are.  My path of self-discovery has most definitely brought me further into the light.  So I’m now having to ask myself:  where is my negative, my darkness?

Can I look into the shadows and find a monster I can look at and not run away from?  Is there a monster in my mirror?  Do I look outside myself for that monster?  If so how do I look into the abyss and not get pulled in?  How do I keep myself grounded in the light and draw the monsters out of the darkness?

I have a pretty active imagination.  If you’ve ever read my other blog, the one my “evil twin” writes, you know I tend to lean toward the erotic more than the darkness.  I don’t have a problem creating bad guys in my stories.  The problem lies in making them bad enough, evil enough, dark enough.  How do I find that darkness?  Perhaps I’ll follow the trail of cookies…

Sometimes I wonder if I have ADD.  I used to be able to sit and read for hours.  My mother would call me anti-social because I always had my nose stuck in a book.  I have about a dozen books, both new and classics, on my e-reader waiting for me to dive in.  But I also have story ideas fighting for attention.

Characters are chattering in my head, whispering What If’s in my ear.  There’s so many of them I’m not sure where to start.  Maybe I should work on my crochet and try to settle all the voices down to see who rises to the top.  If nothing else I might get closer to finishing a few pieces.

Even my to-do list is looking slim.  I’m sure I could find a few things to put on it.  But I already know which projects I need to work on.  I still have some music to upload to my computer.  That’s more busy work than an actual accomplishment.  Then again, music therapy might be just what the doctor ordered.

What about you?  How do you decide on what to do? Do you have a to-do list?  Are you zeroed in on a particular goal?  Or do you blame it on the ADD?

Pardon me for a minute but I just need to clear my head.  I got to make a to-do list, a shopping list, grocery list.  I have multiple craft projects to finish as well as finish putting away all the stuff I sorted out when I cleaned out closets & dressers.  Plus paperwork, take out the trash & pick up cigarettes for my brother.  But is that what I’m doing?  Nooooooo….

I have a new program, CeltX.  It does documents, screenplays, videos, comic books.  I’m hoping to figure it out and use it for my novella.  I want to see how it reads as a screenplay.  The novella is currently in it’s fourth incarnation.

When I write stories, I see them play out in my head.  That’s the only reason I do what outlining I do, so I get the film running.  When the pictures stop playing, I know I’ve got a problem somewhere.  The storyline for my novella is complete.  I just need to tweak it a bit.  Hoping the screenplay writing process will help me find any areas that need tweaking.

So I’m going to try and get my lists done before lunch.  Then probably play until my brother finishes pretending he’s the cook on a fish boat.  Shrimp sounds good…

I’ve already started my spring cleaning.  Closets, dresser drawers, under the bed~ everything is fair game.  Trying to streamline my surroundings as well as myself.  I bought myself a gym membership for Christmas.

I’m not making resolutions this year exactly.  Resolutions have a tendency not to get accomplished.  I am setting goals for this year.  You are all welcome to harass me into making sure I accomplish those goals.

My writing goal is to have one piece ready and submit it somewhere each month.  I will never get my words out in the world unless I kick them out the door.  I’m also hoping to turn the novella I’ve been working on into a screenplay.  And yes, I plan to blog a lot more often, both here and at my erotica blog.

Health wise, the goal is to get my money’s worth out of my gym membership.  I’ve finally reached a point where I am happy with my curves.  I do need to get a little more streamlined to achieve the shape I want.  It’s not easy to look like a pin-up model, but I’m gonna give my best shot.  There are a lot of smaller goals in between now and my ultimate goal.  But I know they are all achievable.  I’m thinking some professional photos once I reach that one. 

I have spent a lot of time since the split with my ex redefining who I am.  I’ve gotten the inside figured out.  Now it’s time to stop procrastinating and get the outside redefined as well.  Those of you who know me personally, know I’m no Barbie.  She may have everything but I would hate to pay her property tax on all that crap.  I just want to get back to my fighting weight.

For the most part I am financially stable.  I can keep my bills paid each month.  However, I am still living with relatives.  There’s nothing wrong with that, but I do want a place of my own.  Not going to happen yet.  But that is the next thing I’m hoping to accomplish.

I’m a strong believer in the concept that things happen when they are supposed to.  When I’m meant to be on my own, circumstances will arrange themselves so that it happens.  I’m good where I am until then, surrounded by people I love.

So let’s toast to a brand new year full of possibilities!  I hope your New Year rocks!

This photo has freaked a few of my family members almost as much as Santa freaked out my aunt in person.  You see, my father always played Santa for my aunt’s facility before he got too sick.  We grew up with our father being Santa for many years.  He did it for the joy of seeing a child’s face light up.  He was always willing to help give a child that special Christmas memory of seeing Santa themselves.

I was very surprised to hear that my brother had agreed to be Santa this year.  He scares grown adults walking through the grocery store with his shaved head and earrings and tattoos showing most all of his exposed skin.  He just looks like he should be riding a Harley.  I love my brother dearly and he’ll kill me for saying this.  Francis is a big sweetheart.  He’s shy sometimes and silly.  He cleans house on his days off and likes to cook.  He also likes to build things, and more so here recently, he likes to make people happy.

Francis is a lot like our dad.  We both look like him, but I think Francis acts more like Dad than I do.  Of course he does have Mom’s temper sometimes.  But that’s okay.  I think he got the best parts of Dad in his genetics.  He was so anxious for me to open my Christmas presents from him this year.  He teased me for several days prior about making me wait.  But you could see the excitement in his eyes.

It was nice to have him so happy for the holidays this year.  We lost Mom in 2002 and Dad in 2007.  It’s been a while since we were happy at Christmas.  Francis was the first one up Christmas morning.  He has come a long way in his 32 years and I am very proud of him.  I love you, Baby Brother.

My brother, Francis

Let me give you a brief scenario: Boy meets Girl, Boy & Girl get to know each other, Boy & Girl have sex.  Somewhere in between there Boy meets another Girl.  Boy decides he wants to get to know Girl #2 a lot better.  Conflict: Girl #1 is supposed to come over for a play date.

Keep in mind that “boy” and “girl” are merely gender specifications, all parties involved are adults and definitely old enough to have some common sense.  There have been no commitments made between anyone.  And up until the play date Boy has acted like he had manners and some decency.  Here’s where the train derails…

Boy sends Girl #1 a text that he wants to see Girl #2 and is not available anymore.  Now pay attention:  he sends this text AFTER the play date.  Whether it’s been 9 months since you last had sex, or 9 hours, it is totally WRONG to use Girl #1 for play time if you are so into Girl #2 that you want to see her exclusively.

I don’t think of myself as old fashioned and I am entirely too picky about who I share my body with to be easy.  But it is simply wrong to use another person that way.  Whether you do it out of convenience, lack of morals, because you’re a gutless wonder, or whatever.  It’s very immature and shows that you have no idea how to maintain a relationship once things progress beyond convenience.

Convenience is not a good reason to have sex.  Let me quote a previous blog post, “No is just a dirty word, never gonna say it first”:

Few people are truly honest with themselves.  We are excellent at lying to ourselves and putting up our own obstacles.  Does that give us the right to take advantage of someone who’s honest enough, open enough, strong enough to know who they are and what they want? No!  Does that mean that I will settle for someone who’s convenient instead of waiting and searching for the one that is as honest, open and strong as I am? No!

I tend to think that sex is like oxygen.  You don’t really think about it until you aren’t getting enough.  But if you are going to blow off someone to see someone else, do it without a “this may be the last piece of ass I get in a while” fuck.  The man or woman who does that must not have a lot of respect for themselves if they are willing to show so little respect for someone they are intimate with.

Sex is not the most important part of a relationship, but it is important.  No matter how new or how intense or how close the relationship, show respect for yourself and for the other person.  You will never find what you are looking for if you take advantage of something you’ve already found in order to get to it.

Your answers to those questions, if you really answered honestly,  may have surprised you.  Most people do not really know their own limits.  We stay in our safe little bubbles and never step out of that comfort zone.  You have to experience new things in order to test your boundaries.

How far are you willing to go?  Will you take that step by yourself?  Or do you need someone to hold your hand?  Have you experienced anything that forced you to consider that question?

Facing our fears is hard.  Our parents teach us to fear some things.  Don’t talk to strangers.  Don’t touch a hot stove.  Don’t approach strange dogs on the street.  We learn fear from other people, from what we see, what we experience.  But does it teach us to confront that fear?

When the blonde in the movies runs and trips we know she’s going to die.  It doesn’t always work like that in real life.  We rarely know when that moment is going to happen.  Most of us don’t do anything to be put in that position to begin with.

We all say we know what our reaction would be, how we would act in a given situation.  But you don’t really know until you have been put in that position.  So you have to step out of your own shadow to find that limit.  The question is… Will you?

Go ahead.  Take a deep breath of it.  It’s like that first scent of coffee when you open a new container.  The clean smell of fresh laundry.  That silent calm after a heavy snow when the air is pure.   Yeah, that’s it….

Today is November 30th.  The final day of NaNoWriMo.  Yes, I completed the 50,000 word goal this year!  It feels good to put that much effort into something.  I haven’t finished all of my short stories, but I am a lot further along than I was on November 1st.

The point of NaNo is to get in the habit of writing everyday, every opportunity.  You have to develop your writing muscles and exercise them regularly.  I may still not be writing every day, but the habit is growing.  I am looking forward to the challenge next year.

Now the question is what to work on next.  I do have stories to finish, plus all the projects I put on hold so I could focus on writing.  Of course, it might help if I managed to make it out of my pj’s and actually get dressed today….

It’s cold and rainy and I just have no pizzazz today.  Maybe it’s the weather.  Maybe it’s pms.  Maybe I’m anxious for that second date since the first went pretty well.  Perhaps I have too many story characters in my head vying for position.

I’m not sure I would call this writer’s block.  In general I try not to believe in writer’s block.  I know for a fact I tend to procrastinate.  No sense in denying it.  Maybe I need to meditate more, now that’s a good possibility.  Might help me pinpoint what my malfunction is.

I am a bit distracted.  That first date I mentioned did in fact go quite well.  I’m looking forward to the next one.  I have tried to keep the words flowing this month but I admit I’m struggling.  I have several stories I’ve been working on.  Only one is actually finished.

My local NaNo writer’s group has our last write-in of the month tonight.  Let’s hope I can keep on track and actually write.  I may have to stop and pick up some extra chocolate to help with that.  Yes, I know I’m kind of rambling.  It seems appropriate for today.  At least I’m writing something, though, right?!

Whatever this malaise is I will get through it.  It aggravates me because I am trying to stop procrastinating.  It’s a hard habit to break.  But it can be done.  I will do it. Dammit.  Go ahead and tell me I can’t.  I like a challenge….