What was the last thing you lost? Did you find it? Have you ever gotten lost? Did you ask for help?
Loss can have a major effect on us. Over the course of my marriage I lost many things. Cars that didn’t last, belongings left in places I moved out of, keepsakes that can never be replaced. It does me no good to hold a grudge against the Ex over those losses. Mistakes were made on both sides in that relationship. I’m trying to let go of that and not repeat those mistakes. When the relationship fell apart, I felt like I had lost my best friend. I lost the companionship, the closeness we shared, all the emotion that had been put into the relationship was lost. I lost the will to write because of that pain. Even journalling took an effort I didn’t want to expend.
Once I stopped clinging to the shredded remains of my heart, I found that my heart was still beating. I found that although I was still missing things about that relationship, the Ex was not one of those things. I found that what I thought I had was not what I was really looking for to begin with. I also found that I was not who I thought I was. My true self was inside all along, waiting for me to rediscover it.
Sometimes we need a little help, some directions to help us find our way. My aunt has helped me find my path out of my emotional labyrinth. I have seen myself through her eyes. The real me is clawing her way to the surface and breathing fresh air for the first time in years. I’ve had help from others, also. Friends that have been supportive and offered directions, a few who have shone a light on the fact that I am alive and well without the Ex. I have found new friends that love me as I am, funny and sexy and quirky as that is. I’ve found that I don’t have to have those ‘things’ to be happy. I don’t have to carry around someone else’s baggage to be happy.
I still miss some things, someone to whisper to at the movies, a hand to hold on a slow walk in the park, the touch of lips on my skin. But I know those things are possible. A good friend showed me that I won’t be alone forever. I hope to help my friends find the same possibilities. Some things are better off staying lost. There is usually something better waiting to be found.
As you may have noticed I haven’t posted a new blog in a while. The day job has gone haywire and I’m trying to keep up. Things are starting to fall into place for that part of my life. I’m almost to the point I should be. I’ve been travelling off and on for the last 3 weeks. I don’t have a problem with it, it just makes me tired. I’m back to my normal schedule this week so I’m taking some time to regroup. My to-do list is still a half-mile long, but more of what’s on it is all mine.
Regrouping for me is also recharging. You can’t run the batteries down and expect your toys to still play. Energy has to be replenished. This means I’m going to make more time to meditate and light my candles. I’ll get back on schedule with the Tai Chi I practice. And hopefully I’ll find some time to finally do my nails. I will also work damn hard to make some writing time. I need to write to purge the baggage that builds up from everyday contact with people. Most of it is easy to slough off. Some people leave you wanting to go wash your hands. Those are the people I have to meditate to get rid of.
On the flip side of that are the people that help me recharge. A few of my friends have the kind of energy that makes me feel better when I talk to them, even if we don’t talk about anything more important than which Nick Cage movie we like best. Sometimes we don’t even have to talk, just listening to them breathe and knowing they care enough to be on the other end of the line listening to me breathe is enough. We all need friends like that. I’m glad I have a few. If you have a friend or two like that, let them know you appreciate them. Life is too short and chaotic to go through it without friends.
If something is yours, you own it, right? Of Course! So why is it so hard for some people to own their actions, their situation, their baggage? If you’ve been reading my blogs you will have heard me talk about my mother. She is the reason behind a lot of my baggage. Not all of it, though. I know this. Some of the crap is mine. I own it, I take responsibility for it. I am the only one to blame for it. My actions are my own. My decisions, however misguided they may be at times, are my own. The foundation I make those decisions from has been biased by my mother. I’m working on correcting that. It’s not easy to evaluate every decision I’ve made and try to see what was my mother’s voice and what was mine. But the stuff that’s mine, is mine.
You’ve also heard me talk a lot about looking in the mirror. I’m getting better at it. Now that I’m seeing things for what they are, I have to be careful not to drag all my friends to the mirror kicking and screaming. Not everyone wants to look in the mirror. They know deep down inside that they won’t like what they see. This makes them afraid to look. They are afraid to own the decisions and actions that have brought them to where they are in life. But all is not lost. Fear is something we all deal with in one way or another. But we can not let it control us. You can’t be afraid of the mirror. If you are honest with yourself, you know what you’ll see when you look. I can force you to the mirror. I can tie you to the front of it so you have no choice but to look in it. But what you actually see is ALL YOU. You have to look at yourself honestly. Not what someone else see’s, but what you know deep inside your heart. I knew long before the break-up that my marriage was a lie. I didn’t want to see it. I didn’t want to admit it. But I knew. I can admit that now. Six months ago I couldn’t have. My aunt knew. She knows me better than I know myself. And she’s been holding me in front of that mirror for a while now. I love her more for it. But I don’t blame her for what I see in my mirror. It’s all mine. I own it.
I’m 37 years old. Sometimes I feel like a teenager again because everything feels so new. I’m seeing with new eyes. By the time most people are approaching 40 they already have a career and are pretty much in their groove. I’m just finding mine. I know there are things I need and want to change. Those issues are mine. The point is that I’m living my life for ME. Not for my mother, my aunt, my (ex) husband. Just for me. I see things through my eyes, not my mother’s or anyone else’s. I am the only one I have to answer to. If something makes me unhappy or is not the way I want it, guess what?! I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO OWN’S IT, I HAVE TO FIX IT! I can blame it on someone else, but when I look in the mirror I know the truth. Whether or not I like the message, I can’t shoot the messenger.
Well, Cinderella, it’s time to start again. It’s winter, the weather is changing the landscape, people are celebrating the holidays. It’s the beginning of a new year. Winter signifies the end of the old year. It’s time to finish things to make room for the new. People talk about spring cleaning, but winter is when things are finished. Death is associated with winter, but that doesn’t mean literal death. It means the end of something. It’s another metaphor for change.
Winter is supposed to kill off the bad, the diseased, the bugs. It’s a check system to keep nature in balance. If it didn’t work, we would be overrun with insects alone in no time. This is a time to let go of the old. This is when you shake off the baggage and negative emotion of the past year, or years.
There are several things to do to be ready for the coming year. Learning to meditate would work wonders for most people on the planet. Say goodbye to mean people, bad attitudes, bad habits. Look at what did not work for you in 2008. If it doesn’t work, get rid of it. Look at what you wanted to accomplish and decide what you would still like to do.
Now is the time to commit to accomplishing these things. Don’t make resolutions. No one ever keeps those. Make a decision to have faith in yourself and your ability to do what you set out to do. Make a list of goals to meet for the year. Be reasonable with yourself about what you hope to do, but make yourself stretch to make those goals. Don’t be easy on yourself. No one else will be.