Don’t Shoot The Messenger

If something is yours, you own it, right? Of Course! So why is it so hard for some people to own their actions, their situation, their baggage? If you’ve been reading my blogs you will have heard me talk about my mother. She is the reason behind a lot of my baggage. Not all of it, though. I know this. Some of the crap is mine. I own it, I take responsibility for it. I am the only one to blame for it. My actions are my own. My decisions, however misguided they may be at times, are my own. The foundation I make those decisions from has been biased by my mother. I’m working on correcting that. It’s not easy to evaluate every decision I’ve made and try to see what was my mother’s voice and what was mine. But the stuff that’s mine, is mine.

You’ve also heard me talk a lot about looking in the mirror. I’m getting better at it. Now that I’m seeing things for what they are, I have to be careful not to drag all my friends to the mirror kicking and screaming. Not everyone wants to look in the mirror. They know deep down inside that they won’t like what they see. This makes them afraid to look. They are afraid to own the decisions and actions that have brought them to where they are in life. But all is not lost. Fear is something we all deal with in one way or another. But we can not let it control us. You can’t be afraid of the mirror. If you are honest with yourself, you know what you’ll see when you look. I can force you to the mirror. I can tie you to the front of it so you have no choice but to look in it. But what you actually see is ALL YOU. You have to look at yourself honestly. Not what someone else see’s, but what you know deep inside your heart. I knew long before the break-up that my marriage was a lie. I didn’t want to see it. I didn’t want to admit it. But I knew. I can admit that now. Six months ago I couldn’t have. My aunt knew. She knows me better than I know myself. And she’s been holding me in front of that mirror for a while now. I love her more for it. But I don’t blame her for what I see in my mirror. It’s all mine. I own it.

I’m 37 years old. Sometimes I feel like a teenager again because everything feels so new. I’m seeing with new eyes. By the time most people are approaching 40 they already have a career and are pretty much in their groove. I’m just finding mine. I know there are things I need and want to change. Those issues are mine. The point is that I’m living my life for ME. Not for my mother, my aunt, my (ex) husband. Just for me. I see things through my eyes, not my mother’s or anyone else’s. I am the only one I have to answer to. If something makes me unhappy or is not the way I want it, guess what?! I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO OWN’S IT, I HAVE TO FIX IT! I can blame it on someone else, but when I look in the mirror I know the truth. Whether or not I like the message, I can’t shoot the messenger.

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