Staying Power

What’s the longest you’ve ever done something? Grade school lasts 12 years. College can be 4 to 12 years, especially if you can’t decide on a major. Marriages can last a few months or a lifetime. Jobs can be just jobs or they can be careers. What makes us do something for that long? What gives us that staying power?

I recently read an article from Cosmopolitan that said loving and being in love are two distinct things, especially for men. When a man is in love he doesn’t see small imperfections in his new mate. Everything is new and exciting and holds the attention, but only for a short time. Loving, on the otherhand, means he sees his mate for who she really is and not who he wants her to be. If he has staying power, he will still be around when the new wears off.

I am currently at a crossroads. If you’ve been following my blogs, you know I’ve been a bit hostile of late. A lot of emotions are churning right now. I’m working through them. I’ve figured out that the Ex was not the man for me. And I’m not looking for Mr Right at the moment. Who knows? I may have met him already. Or maybe I’ll meet him sometime soon. Either way, when the time is right, the right man will find me and see me for who I am.

I’ve heard it said by many, ‘If you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life.’ I love writing. Those close to me know this. I also enjoy my day job. But I have to decide if it’s just going to be the ‘day job’ or if it is the career I’m looking for. There is lots of opportunity with the job. And I am working for a friend. Is it possible to have two careers at the same time? I think I may have to find out for myself.

Always remember to check your mirror before you start down any path. Make sure you know your map, your directions, even if you’re winging it you have to have an idea of where you’re going. There are many paths in front of me and I’ve got my walking shoes on. Time for the next step…..

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It’s Complicated

This blog is something a little different. Now that I’ve decided to let the Ex pay for the divorce, I’ve realized how much baggage I’ve been hanging onto. There were some things I needed to say, to him, to myself. So I wrote a couple of letters……

Dear Frank,

There are many things I need to tell you. There are times I would like to scream and cuss and call you names. But that’s only a small band-aid on a gaping wound.

Sometimes I hear a song and I remember things about you. Even after all this time I can still recall the feel of your skin, how your hair feels right after it’s cut, your scent, the taste of your lips.

Not all of the time we spent together was bad. There were times when we were almost happy. I don’t think either of us was capable at the time of being truly happy. We were so busy running away from our parents that we didn’t see that we’d become our parents. Neither of us had good role models for relationships.

I loved you the best way I knew how. I knew our relationship wasn’t perfect. But I honestly did not know you wanted out so badly. The person I was could not see what was in front of her. So you did the one thing you knew I could not forgive you for. I have to say the way you ended our relationship was cowardly. You could have told me instead of hurting me the way you did. I wouldn’t have hurt you like that for anything in the world.

When you left me at Cindi’s, I felt lost, abandoned. It was like my entire world had been ripped away. There are times when my heart still breaks at the thought of you. I still don’t understand how you could just walk away after all those years together.

I don’t want to stay angry over this. That’s why I’m writing you this letter, to let it go. I thought I finished grieving over our marriage. But I still have some wounds to heal. I’m still angry about the way you broke things off. You had no right to hurt me the way you did. We agreed at the beginning to walk away if we thought we could find something better. Why couldn’t you just walk away? I thought you were a better man than that.

Dear Becca,

Damn, Girl! You have stirred up some shit this time. Come on over here to the mirror and let’s try to fix this. What do you see?

I see a very sad woman who’s afraid of being alone. She wants so desperately to stand on her own, but she’s afraid of failing. And she just realized that was her mother’s voice in the back of her head. Why should I be afraid of doing something new? I’ve never stood completely on my own. I might do damn good at it if I give myself a chance. But first I have to do some cleaning.

There’s a lot of baggage to take to the curb. Good memories can stay, but the painful ones need to go. All that self-doubt needs to be bagged up and tossed, too. It’s time to kick yourself in the ass and get moving. So you’re not where you wanted to be at this point in life. Do you think you’re the only one in that position? The question is what are you going to do about it????

I’ve let my mother’s dysfunctional thinking take control again. I AM NOT MY MOTHER!!!! Say it again. I AM NOT MY MOTHER! One more time to make sure you start believing it. I AM NOT MY MOTHER!!!!! Now, that should feel better. Next issue…

Okay, mom has tainted my thinking again. I let my guard down. I’m human. There’s a lot of irons in my fire at the moment. It’s time to get them in order. I used to be very anal retentive. Only slightly OCD, but bad enough. Now I’ve gone so far in the other direction, I’m losing focus. I need to find the middle ground where I can keep things moving and still keep them in order. It’s time to put old fears aside. I’m not the same person anymore. Why should I act like her?

So he broke my heart. He made me angry. That doesn’t mean he gets to ruin all of my time now. He’s not the issue anymore. Let go of him and the baggage around him.

Step out of the comfort zone and get your ass in gear!

Matters of Principle

I recently blogged about not procrastinating. I have been debating with myself lately, not to mention my aunt and a good friend, about filing the divorce papers. After a LOT of thinking, I’ve conceded once again that they are right. If the Ex wants a divorce, let him pay for it. I originally thought that I just wanted to get it over with, get some closure. But why should I have to pay him to leave? He wanted this separation. He wanted to throw away 14 years. He wanted to spend time with a woman twice his age.

My ties to him have been cut as cleanly as they can be. I haven’t been seeing other people because “technically” I’m still married. But you know what? To hell with all of it. Why should I put my life on hold anymore? Why should I wait for him to do something? There is no reason for me to contest the divorce when it happens. And right now, there is no big reason to get it done. I’m not rushing to get married again. So as a matter of principle, I am not filing the divorce the papers.

I haven’t been seeing anyone, but I have played some Cat and Mouse. I’ve blogged on that also. I said that you have to play both sides. One person can’t be the only one doing the chasing. If you want to play, you have to be willing to chase me, too. That means on principle, I won’t chase anymore until the favor is returned.

All I want for Valentines….

What do I want for Valentine’s? What am I looking for?

I’ll try to make this short, but no promises….

1. you don’t have to be a movie star, just be healthy
2. be strong enough to stand beside me
3. know when to offer your support and when to just let me be
4. take my breath away with one word, one look, one touch
5. surprise me
6. know the difference between romance and sex
7. be honest with yourself, it’s the only way you can be honest with me
8. don’t be afraid to be yourself
9. know how to carry on a conversation
10. enjoy the things we share, respect the things that make us different
11. make me laugh
12. be confident in yourself
13. don’t whine, change what you don’t like
14. don’t hesitate, don’t back down, don’t regret

I’m not looking for Prince Charming, he was spoiled. I’m looking for someone real.

Will you be my Valentine?

What is this holiday about? Hallmark cards and chocolate? Singing stuffed animals? Cheesy lingerie you won’t wear again until next year? Take a few minutes to look and you will see that the event began as a pagan festival in Roman times called Lupercalia. It was three days in February to release evil spirits and make room for health and fertility through nude dancing and drinking. Doesn’t sound so bad. So how in hell did we end up with chocolate hearts and stuffed dogs singing Love Machine?

However you celebrate Valentine’s Day, take some time this weekend to think about what it really means to you. A chance to celebrate your relationship? To show your appreciation to your partner for all they do? At the root of the modern version of this day, what does love mean to you? This is not the easiest question to answer. I think I need to make a list:

1. knowing when to say you’re sorry
2. knowing when to say nothing at all
3. saying everything with a single touch
4. being supportive even when you know they’re doing something wrong
5. having the cahones to tell them they’re wrong
6. having the strength to stand together
7. being able to admit when they’re right
8. knowing that no matter how bad it may look, you’ll get through it together
9. knowing that anything worth having is worth fighting to keep

Think about it. Make your own list. Maybe you need to change the way you celebrate. If you do decide to dance naked in honor of Lupercus, stay sober enough to enjoy it.

I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday….

I feel like procrastinating this morning. I need ink cartridges for my printer. At the same time I want to finish something I’ve been saying I can’t wait to do for the last 3 months. I’m printing and filling out the divorce papers.

I’ve been trying to break the habit of procrastinating in a lot of areas. I’m getting better, but sometimes it’s just easier, aka less painful, to fall back on the safety net and put things off. I signed up for an online dating service. Haven’t seriously participated because I’m not divorced yet. I play poker with some single guys that I might enjoy spending time with, but I’m not divorced yet. I have a new friend who lives a really long ways away from me. We’ve been talking quite a bit for several months. In our own ways, we have both used each other as a safety net because we are so far apart. I don’t have an issue with him for it and I hope he forgives me for my part in it. Besides, I’m still not divorced yet.

The whole legally single thing is an issue for me, and yes I use it as a safety net to delay having to join the dating scene. I know I don’t have to be with someone to be happy. And I have found the place where I’m happy with who I am. There is no relationship with the Ex nor do I want one. I haven’t seen him since the day he dropped me off at my aunt’s house. Honestly I’m glad. I found a voice message in my Yahoo Messenger that he had sent me a few months before things broke down. I forgot it was there. Listened to it. I wanted to write this after I heard it but it’s taken me 4 damn days to get this far. Even now, as much as I want to be free of him and all the associated baggage, I’m crying as I write this.

Closure is hard. It hurts as much as the break-up. I know I’m strong enough now to get through this. I can’t move forward with new business until the old is finished. As much as it hurts, I’m ready to let go. I’m ready to shed the last of that baggage. I’m finally ready, admittedly scared as hell but ready, to stand on my own. February is supposed to be a time to celebrate love. Well, I’m going to celebrate Valentines by making room in my life for a new love. A new love, new experiences, new happiness.

But first, I need ink cartridges for my printer……