I feel like procrastinating this morning. I need ink cartridges for my printer. At the same time I want to finish something I’ve been saying I can’t wait to do for the last 3 months. I’m printing and filling out the divorce papers.
I’ve been trying to break the habit of procrastinating in a lot of areas. I’m getting better, but sometimes it’s just easier, aka less painful, to fall back on the safety net and put things off. I signed up for an online dating service. Haven’t seriously participated because I’m not divorced yet. I play poker with some single guys that I might enjoy spending time with, but I’m not divorced yet. I have a new friend who lives a really long ways away from me. We’ve been talking quite a bit for several months. In our own ways, we have both used each other as a safety net because we are so far apart. I don’t have an issue with him for it and I hope he forgives me for my part in it. Besides, I’m still not divorced yet.
The whole legally single thing is an issue for me, and yes I use it as a safety net to delay having to join the dating scene. I know I don’t have to be with someone to be happy. And I have found the place where I’m happy with who I am. There is no relationship with the Ex nor do I want one. I haven’t seen him since the day he dropped me off at my aunt’s house. Honestly I’m glad. I found a voice message in my Yahoo Messenger that he had sent me a few months before things broke down. I forgot it was there. Listened to it. I wanted to write this after I heard it but it’s taken me 4 damn days to get this far. Even now, as much as I want to be free of him and all the associated baggage, I’m crying as I write this.
Closure is hard. It hurts as much as the break-up. I know I’m strong enough now to get through this. I can’t move forward with new business until the old is finished. As much as it hurts, I’m ready to let go. I’m ready to shed the last of that baggage. I’m finally ready, admittedly scared as hell but ready, to stand on my own. February is supposed to be a time to celebrate love. Well, I’m going to celebrate Valentines by making room in my life for a new love. A new love, new experiences, new happiness.
But first, I need ink cartridges for my printer……