It’s Complicated

This blog is something a little different. Now that I’ve decided to let the Ex pay for the divorce, I’ve realized how much baggage I’ve been hanging onto. There were some things I needed to say, to him, to myself. So I wrote a couple of letters……

Dear Frank,

There are many things I need to tell you. There are times I would like to scream and cuss and call you names. But that’s only a small band-aid on a gaping wound.

Sometimes I hear a song and I remember things about you. Even after all this time I can still recall the feel of your skin, how your hair feels right after it’s cut, your scent, the taste of your lips.

Not all of the time we spent together was bad. There were times when we were almost happy. I don’t think either of us was capable at the time of being truly happy. We were so busy running away from our parents that we didn’t see that we’d become our parents. Neither of us had good role models for relationships.

I loved you the best way I knew how. I knew our relationship wasn’t perfect. But I honestly did not know you wanted out so badly. The person I was could not see what was in front of her. So you did the one thing you knew I could not forgive you for. I have to say the way you ended our relationship was cowardly. You could have told me instead of hurting me the way you did. I wouldn’t have hurt you like that for anything in the world.

When you left me at Cindi’s, I felt lost, abandoned. It was like my entire world had been ripped away. There are times when my heart still breaks at the thought of you. I still don’t understand how you could just walk away after all those years together.

I don’t want to stay angry over this. That’s why I’m writing you this letter, to let it go. I thought I finished grieving over our marriage. But I still have some wounds to heal. I’m still angry about the way you broke things off. You had no right to hurt me the way you did. We agreed at the beginning to walk away if we thought we could find something better. Why couldn’t you just walk away? I thought you were a better man than that.

Dear Becca,

Damn, Girl! You have stirred up some shit this time. Come on over here to the mirror and let’s try to fix this. What do you see?

I see a very sad woman who’s afraid of being alone. She wants so desperately to stand on her own, but she’s afraid of failing. And she just realized that was her mother’s voice in the back of her head. Why should I be afraid of doing something new? I’ve never stood completely on my own. I might do damn good at it if I give myself a chance. But first I have to do some cleaning.

There’s a lot of baggage to take to the curb. Good memories can stay, but the painful ones need to go. All that self-doubt needs to be bagged up and tossed, too. It’s time to kick yourself in the ass and get moving. So you’re not where you wanted to be at this point in life. Do you think you’re the only one in that position? The question is what are you going to do about it????

I’ve let my mother’s dysfunctional thinking take control again. I AM NOT MY MOTHER!!!! Say it again. I AM NOT MY MOTHER! One more time to make sure you start believing it. I AM NOT MY MOTHER!!!!! Now, that should feel better. Next issue…

Okay, mom has tainted my thinking again. I let my guard down. I’m human. There’s a lot of irons in my fire at the moment. It’s time to get them in order. I used to be very anal retentive. Only slightly OCD, but bad enough. Now I’ve gone so far in the other direction, I’m losing focus. I need to find the middle ground where I can keep things moving and still keep them in order. It’s time to put old fears aside. I’m not the same person anymore. Why should I act like her?

So he broke my heart. He made me angry. That doesn’t mean he gets to ruin all of my time now. He’s not the issue anymore. Let go of him and the baggage around him.

Step out of the comfort zone and get your ass in gear!

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