Two Tests of Strength

Since I survived flying to Arizona and back I have felt this strange need to prove myself. I want to test my own strength, emotionally and mentally. I am sitting in a hotel room in a town I walked away from when my marriage ended. Rumor has it the Ex is still working here. I found myself telling a friend today that I hope I run into him, figuratively. I have been back here since the break-up. It feels different this time. I’m not the same person. I was still deeply mourning the end of my marriage the last time I was here. Now I see the real me in this place where my life changed forever. I still have a wound from that change. But I’m getting stronger, healthier, happier. I know now that I won’t fall apart if I see him. I’m not going to be petty and juvenile and flip him the bird. I might gloat a bit that the 2-store operation he walked away from has now grown to 8 stores. I guess he just wasn’t strong enough to stick with it.

Personal strength is something to think about. I’m not talking about physical force or stamina. I’m talking about strength of conviction, faith, being able to recognize what you need and how to get it regardless to how hard it may be. The Ex wasn’t strong enough. He had no faith in his own abilities. He put on a good show, and believe me he could sell the show. He could sell ice to an Eskimo and make him think he needed it. But he couldn’t sell the show to himself because he knew it was a lie. He wasn’t strong enough to look in the mirror. Now I can see that. I wasn’t ready to see it then. I wasn’t strong enough to face that reality. Until now.

I’m looking for someone who has some strength. Are you strong enough to look in the mirror? Can you see the options before you and make that decision to follow your heart? Where is the man who is strong enough to take on a woman who is not only looking in her mirror, but talking back to it? Are you strong enough to be my man?

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Excuse me….

May I have your attention?

Thank you. I like attention. I don’t have to be the center of attention, but I do enjoy not being ignored. Something that does irritate me is when someone does some little thing to see who’s paying attention, and they do it over and over and over.

Let me tell ya, if you are interesting enough to catch my attention, you don’t need to pester the crap out of me to see if I’m paying attention to you. Try speaking to me. I like conversation, and it takes two of us to have one. And if you are really interesting (you know, a DJ voice, good with your hands, a nice ass), you don’t have to try to get my attention.

You already have it.

Getting What You Want

You can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want
But if you try sometimes well you might find
You get what you need

Do you know the difference between Need and Want? Need implies necessity. There are 4 basic Needs: food, air, water and shelter. Beyond that are more complex needs like acceptance, friendship and love. Want is not the same as Need. Want is driven by a different set of values. Want is what we would do under ideal circumstances: I Want a Corvette, I Want to dance like Cheryl Burke, I Want to afford Chanel handbags

Want goes beyond the material stuff. Everyone Wants to be understood, to be heard, to be vindicated when wronged. Each of us Wants to know we are liked by others, cared for and desired by others.

Will we die without these Wants? No. I can be perfectly happy with my Chevy Cavalier and the Army green duffel bag I rogued from my aunt. I have the basics covered. I have the things I Need.

There are still some things I Want. I Want a Harley Trike. I Want a house on a hill overlooking the beach. I Want a man who will still Want me when we are old and cranky.

The things we Need will come to us when they are supposed to. But sometimes you get the opportunity to grab onto something you Want.

The question is will you be ready to grab it and hold on.

Live Like You’ve Got a Set

What motivates you? What sets off your fight or flight response? What makes you stand your ground or run and hide? What scares you? Why do you play games with people?

I have a lot of motivations lately. I want to stand on my own and be responsible for myself. I want to be ready to be an equal partner in my next relationship. I want to express myself in whatever manner works for me. I want my voice to be heard. I want to get healthier so I don’t end up sick like my parents were. Besides, healthier people have better sex.

When something scares you, I mean real gut-wrenching fear, do you meet it head-on? or do you look for somewhere to hide, someone to cast blame on? Dealing with fear is a lot like dealing with choices. You have to own it, don’t let it own you. Be the kind of person who has the cahones to face fear and do what needs done without causing more drama. Forgive me, but I’m gonna quote a Harry Potter movie: Fear of the name only increases fear of the thing itself.

Let’s look at an example: some people are afraid to love, to get close to someone, to let another person see them for who they truly are. With this mindset, love itself becomes the enemy. I’m afraid of getting that close to someone and I’ve got the cahones to say it. I own my fear. I’m a lot stronger than I used to be, but the thought of letting someone close enough to break my heart again makes my nerves scream. When someone starts getting close, I want them closer, but I’m afraid to pull them in. It’s normal to fear being hurt. But I won’t let that fear control me. I will reach out to that person. I will take that risk because I refuse to miss out on the opportunity to find something that just might be the love of my life.

Why do some people feel the need to create drama? What does it mean if a person claims she/he can’t stand drama, yet she/he is the one who pushes all the buttons to create the drama? Why would you want to do that to yourself? Do people really enjoy inflicting that kind of pain on themselves and the people around them? That’s the thing I don’t get. Whether you fight or run, why put yourself in the position to have to choose? It’s a complete and utter waste of energy. Let that baggage go. Let go of the emotion that’s tied up in making yourself and the other person miserable. Clean that mess up, then you have some room for some happiness.

I guess I just don’t understand why people want to make themselves miserable. I want to be happy. I want to be loved. I want to know someone desires me as much as I desire him. That’s basically what the human condition boils down to.

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

I can usually tell when I’ve gone too long without meditating. I get irritable, moody. Little things irritate me more quickly than usual.

For me, meditating helps relieve stress, helps me focus, helps me deal with a lot of issues. It gives me a chance to concentrate on a particular issue, or on nothing at all. Meditating is a lot like praying. You close your eyes, ask for guidance and have a little faith.

I learned to meditate after the loss of my mother and grandmother to a car accident. It was the only thing that kept me sane. It helped me deal with the grief, the anger, and helped me see things I hadn’t seen before. I’ve meditated a good bit since the demise of my marriage. Probably not as much as I should have considering my mood of late. It’s safe to say I’m still grieving for what I thought I had.

I haven’t meditated much lately for several reasons. Even though each one would be valid, they still sound like excuses. I need to meditate so I can deal with the last of the baggage from the Ex. I haven’t let go completely. I’ve not let go because I don’t have the answer to a question. The issues on both sides cancel each other out but they still don’t answer that one question. I will probably never hear an answer to that question. And I have to learn to live with that. It’s just another piece of baggage that needs to be taken to the curb with the trash.

I know I can not take responsibility for the Ex’s actions. I did not make the choices that led me to my aunt’s doorstep a year ago. What I can own up to are the choices I’ve made since then.

I choose to live my life the way I want. I choose to let people get close or not. I choose to let the real me shine through. This is my life. I will have faith in myself to be strong enough to live it.