I’ve been gone way too long from here. Didn’t realize how long it had been since I wrote a new blog. I have helped open a new store, cut open my hand on a really big deli slicer, pulled out my own stitches. I have also been cleaning out my storage unit.
I have found things I forgot I owned. Some things are keepsakes from my family, items that remind me of relatives both loved and missed. Some things are reminders of things I would like to forget. I found my grandmother’s china, the family bibles, Dad’s novelty ties. I found the giant inflatable penguin with the Christmas decorations, my collection of lingerie, my wedding dress.
Standing in the heat and humidity in the middle of that room I cried, cussed, laughed hysterically. I asked questions to the air that I know I will never get answers to. While I’m not as far down the road to independence as I would like to be, I’m getting a lot closer. I’m letting go of baggage, trying to let go of emotions that are not useful, not healthy. I can’t carry it anymore. I’m trying to take flight, and it’s just a burden I don’t need to carry.
It’s taking a lot of effort to break the habit. It’s easy to cling to emotions that are familiar. New emotions are exciting, scary, addictive. But it takes time for connections to form. The old stuff is what I’m used to, even if it is bad for me. But I will keep trying, keep working on letting go of the negative and finding the positive. I will no longer hide in the shadows of who I used to be. I’m stepping out into the light.