A Spirit Bared

I’m so damn frustrated right now I can’t see straight.  Why is it so hard to find someone that can love me like I am for who I am and be happy?  It feels like I have all this emotion and passion inside of me and I have no outlet for it, nobody to share it with.  What’s the point in having it if I can’t share it with somebody.

It hurts too much.  Sometimes I think I’d rather be numb.  I know not everyone can look in the mirror honestly and sometimes I still shy away from it.  But I have seen a lot already.

I know who I am. I know what I want.  I admit I have no patience and I am tired of waiting on the right man to come along.  I’m getting some attention now but not the kind of attention I want.  I’m tired of being a friend with benefits.  I want a relationship.  I want something real and true and exciting.

Some days it feels like that goal is so unreachable I feel like giving up.  I hate feeling like that.

I want someone I can have all to myself. I want to be able to shout from the rooftops that I love someone and he loves me.  I’m so tired of being alone.

I lit a candle lastnight, asked for guidance on how to channel all this energy.  I slept solid for the first time in a long time.  Not sure I know anymore now than I did when I lit the candle but the words are definitely flying today.  Maybe that’s my sign….



Don’t I know you….

I went for a drive with my aunt last night and we were discussing one of my friends.  I asked her Why are some people so afraid of being happy? I already know a variety of reasons for this one but I guess I just needed to hear some validation.

We’ve all had times in our lives when we thought, we just knew, that we were happy.  Not just settled or content but truly happy.  And then we realize, sometimes gradually or maybe abruptly, that what we have is not happiness.  It hurts a lot to realize that you’ve put so much of yourself into something only to have it crumble at your feet.

Some of us have had this happen more than once.  Does that mean we’re repeating some mistake?  Are we making the same bad choices?  Or are we just drawn to the wrong type of person?  Maybe that’s not the problem at all.

Sometimes the problem is that we are afraid to actually have that true happiness because we are afraid it will crumble again.  No one likes to be hurt.  It’s not fun.  It makes us doubt our own worth.  Or even worse, when we do find someone who can make us for-real happy we have no clue what to do with them.  So we try to push them away without really letting go, keeping them at arm’s length.

The truth is that fear will keep you safely tucked in your safety zone and guaranteed NOT to find the happiness you keep saying you want.  The only way you will find what you’re looking for is to take that chance and step out of your comfort zone.

We all deserve to be happy.  You shouldn’t be afraid of it.  I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone a lot lately.  I may hesitate a little, but I’m definitely making decisions and telling people how I feel.  So I see someone like my friend who may already have something that will make him truly happy and I realize that he’s so afraid of getting hurt that he can’t be honest with himself about the very thing that he wants.

I’ve been there.  It’s scary.  But all you have to do is take that first step.  Maybe if you stop making excuses why something won’t work, you’ll find some valid reasons why it will work.

Role Models

We all learn from what we see, especially as children.  Even before we are old enough to realize how our parents relate to each other we are learning relationship skills from them.  The question you have to ask yourself is how good a role model were they.

My father was the oldest of six, always friendly, sometimes a little shy, very loyal and always open for a good conversation.  My mother was the exact opposite.  She was hard to get close to, very controlling and what most people would probably label as a user.  She evaluated every situation, every person to see what was in it for her.  Their relationship was turbulent to say the least.

I’m a lot like my father.  I let Mom steamroll right over me the same way Dad did.  We both stifled our creativity and our dreams in hopes of keeping her happy.  The old saying is true: when Momma isn’t happy, nobody is happy.  Mom wasn’t happy unless she felt like she had achieved something nobody else had, or knew something no one else knew.

I realize now I married to get away from Momma.  But the relationship I ran to was no more functional than the relationship I was running from.  My ex-husband grew up with role models just as screwed up as I did.  His father was a Marine until he became ill.  I don’t think his mother was ever quite right mentally.  She certainly wasn’t when I knew her.

Frank was a lot like Momma in some respects.  He was always looking at angles to see how something would benefit him.  Whatever he said was law, he always had final say on any decisions for ‘Us’.  He tried to live up to the ideals of his father, loyal to God, country, Corp and lastly family.  But he had too much of his mother in him.  She was the type of conniving woman my mother aspired to be.

Neither of us knew how to have a relationship that was functional because we had never seen one.  It’s surprising that we stayed together as long as we did.  There were good times, probably as many good as there were bad.  But Frank never thought there was anything wrong with the way he did things.  He was unwilling to consider the possibility that he had no clue who he was.  He didn’t know himself.

Real life is nothing like Leave It To Beaver.  My childhood was closer to Roseanne.  Relationships take work.  We have to study more than one relationship to learn how they work.  All the self-help articles in the world won’t teach you anything if you don’t study them all.   You have to study, communicate honestly with yourself and your significant other, be willing to admit mistakes and learn to recognize signs that you’re repeating them.

It’s not easy, but nothing worth having is ever easy.  Know yourself to free yourself.  That’s the true path to happiness….


More than you see…

I recently shared a photo/sign on my facebook page that reads:  I am aware that I am less than some people prefer me to be but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see.  This is true for several reasons, one of them being that most people don’t look closely enough. Another reason is that people expect to find a perfect match every time.

It is humanly impossible to be everything to any one individual.  If you’re looking for someone to be your everything, good luck!  But it ain’t happening.   No one person is perfect.  And even people who spend years together can still surprise each other because you never really know everything about them.  So how do you know if they are everything you need at this moment?

You have to look beyond the surface.  Ask questions that require more than a one-word answer.  And when you start getting answers, take notes! I know way too many people to keep up with every little detail.  I take notes.  So that conversation 3 months ago when you admitted you sing the Barney theme song in the shower… yeah, I got that. =)

Getting to know people is a never-ending process.  It requires good communication skills, patience, and practice.  So take some time and ask a few questions.  Remember to be willing to answer them yourself.  You never know who someone is when you’re not looking…