For a really long time, I was a wallflower. I was not shown the possibilities of trying new things. The little bit of encouragement I got was usually accompanied by negative reinforcement. I was taught self-doubt and fear of failure.
The attack I blogged about last time was not the only one, but it was the most traumatic. Those events helped knock down my self-confidence further. Well, the part my mother hadn’t already tried to kill off. Yep, I was a total wallflower.
I had no idea how to stand up for myself, how to express myself, how to figure out who I was. In trying to deal with …everything… I developed some really bad habits. The one that bugs me most is not finishing things. Part of that, I think, is because I feel like I am unfinished.
It’s taken me 40 years to find my backbone. Now the problem is that I’ve over-corrected. Maybe that’s part of why I come across as aggressive.
I want to do all the things I never got to try, experience new things, see new places. Some days I feel like a teenager again. I have OCD and a bit of ADD which doesn’t help. On days I wake up hyper, I can literally bounce off the walls.
I was hyper this morning before my cup of coffee. I get impatient, too, because I’m ready to try stuff and do things and go places. Maybe my impatience adds to the aggression as well.
You know how someone is when they first realize they’ve fallen in love? How annoying they can be because they want everyone around them to be in love, too? Sometimes that’s how I feel when I’ve had a breakthrough moment. I want everyone to be as open and light and free as I feel.
The last blog was very cathartic. It helped me knock over a few more bricks and let go of some baggage. I’m learning, albeit slowly, to try to temper my excitement. I try not to rush headlong into stuff. I plan, I budget, I put ideas in the back of my head and let them stew. Apparently I still come on too strong, but I’m trying to learn to speak softly.