One More Step

Just after Christmas I had an epiphany of sorts.  One of the biggest things my mom did to derail my success deals with school.  I flunked out of college the first go around.  The day I moved back home she turned to me in the car and said:  I was going to say I told you so, but I won’t.

Think about that for a minute.  Keep in mind that I did love my mother.  But she was not a happy person.  She seemed to take joy in making other people as unhappy as she was.  And she was quite skilled at setting you up to fail.  Well, setting me and my brother up to fail.  Mom was, however, a product of her upbringing.  Mostly the important formative years under age 5 before she was adopted by my grandparents, her biological father and his wife (Grandma was my biological grandmother’s sister).  That’s a whole other sordid Southern tale that I still don’t know all the details of.  But back to my epiphany….

I realized that I was still letting that moment in the car control my success.  I’ve cut a lot of apron strings over the last few years but this one was knotted tightly very close to the core of who I am.  So, you ask… What did I do with this revelation?

I decided to go back to school.  I have an associate degree and tons of assorted credits, but no bachelor’s degree.  January 7 was my first day of class at Capella University in their online psychology program.  And it truly is not a “in-your-face” to my mother.  This is me proving to myself that I can finish my degree.  This is me taking a skill I have used for years and getting actual training to do it professionally.

I have always been the friend my friends confide in.  People seem to find me beachwalkwhen they need to pour out their hearts, when they have difficult choices to make, when they need someone to listen and give honest feedback.  And I have built this blog on my own self-guided therapy.  So finishing school is one more step in my own evolution.

I am keeping my guard up a bit.  I can still feel mom’s negative energy in the back of my head, trying to slow me down.  It will take some new habits to get back into the school thing and push the last of her voice out.  But it’s a challenge I am very happy to accept.

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