Hi! I’m creating a new blog. I hope you all will follow me over at that blog. I’ll post links to it here for a while before I stop posting altogether on here. The new page is spellboundscribbler.wordpress.com and please feel free to share it. I just posted my first blog at spellboundscribbler. Come on over and take a look!
Another weekend is here. My OCD has forced me to clean my room already even though it’s my weekend to clean the whole house. I’ll get all the other rooms tomorrow. I’ve been sick since just before the beginning of the month. Lost my voice a few days before my birthday but still had a good time at the party. The last couple weeks my head has been so stuffy I’ve slept only a couple hours at a time, waking up to blow my nose a few times before being able to sleep again. To say the least, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Naps in the afternoon are nice, but enough already.
Today, I’ve managed not to take a nap. And my cough is almost gone. Being healthy is not something we should take for granted. Not to sound like an infomercial, but….
Get enough sleep. Drink lots of water. Take care of your skin. Get exercise and sunshine every day. Take your vitamins. Do something creative every day. And don’t forget to pamper yourself now and then. You can’t be strong for anybody else if you’re not strong for yourself.
It’s Friday. What are you doing this weekend?
I had a bad weekend. There. I said it. I’m not sure what happened, but I ended up falling apart Sunday night after a really bad episode of OCD. My OCD is not severe, but it is enough to remind me that I have it. I don’t compulsively turn the light switches on and off, or lock and relock the doors (though I will check behind others in my house to make sure we’re all safe). I don’t wash my hands 10 times before I can do anything, although I am slightly germaphobic. I do, however, have a few odd behaviors that fall in the category of OCD.
I have to be able to see my floor. My room has a finite amount of space and I can’t handle clutter all over the floor. Even on laundry day I will rearrange piles of laundry on the bed to keep them off the floor. I’ve been known to start cleaning and end up rearranging furniture and everything else to get things just right.
My desk is a universe all its own. Sometimes I can work at my desk and not worry about extra papers lying about. Other times, I can’t even scroll my Facebook news feed until I clear my desk. And it’s not just moving stuff off of it. I have to clear it, dust it, and rearrange what stuff stays on it.
This weekend I was sewing, making a blouse to wear for a party. I caught myself stopping in the middle of a seam to rearrange my pins. I’ve never done that before. It kind of scared me. And as I engaged my sewing machine again I got to thinking. I had felt very anti-social all weekend. Several times I thought about texting a friend to come over but decided not to. I didn’t want anyone around. I felt like it would have thrown things out of whack somehow. The weird thing is that other people’s clutter doesn’t usually bother me, only my own.
This morning was much better than last night. I’m always telling people not to hate Mondays. It’s the start of a new week, a new opportunity to do something worthwhile. Today, Monday means I successfully fended off the demons of the weekend.
If you’re not sure if you have OCD (meaning it’s probably kind of mild if you do), you can try the screening quiz at psychcentral.com. It’s not a diagnostic tool, but it does give a likelihood based on your score. Scoring 12 or above means you likely have some type of obsessive compulsive disorder. I scored 17. Go figure.
For a really long time, I was a wallflower. I was not shown the possibilities of trying new things. The little bit of encouragement I got was usually accompanied by negative reinforcement. I was taught self-doubt and fear of failure.
The attack I blogged about last time was not the only one, but it was the most traumatic. Those events helped knock down my self-confidence further. Well, the part my mother hadn’t already tried to kill off. Yep, I was a total wallflower.
I had no idea how to stand up for myself, how to express myself, how to figure out who I was. In trying to deal with …everything… I developed some really bad habits. The one that bugs me most is not finishing things. Part of that, I think, is because I feel like I am unfinished.
It’s taken me 40 years to find my backbone. Now the problem is that I’ve over-corrected. Maybe that’s part of why I come across as aggressive.
I want to do all the things I never got to try, experience new things, see new places. Some days I feel like a teenager again. I have OCD and a bit of ADD which doesn’t help. On days I wake up hyper, I can literally bounce off the walls.
I was hyper this morning before my cup of coffee. I get impatient, too, because I’m ready to try stuff and do things and go places. Maybe my impatience adds to the aggression as well.
You know how someone is when they first realize they’ve fallen in love? How annoying they can be because they want everyone around them to be in love, too? Sometimes that’s how I feel when I’ve had a breakthrough moment. I want everyone to be as open and light and free as I feel.
The last blog was very cathartic. It helped me knock over a few more bricks and let go of some baggage. I’m learning, albeit slowly, to try to temper my excitement. I try not to rush headlong into stuff. I plan, I budget, I put ideas in the back of my head and let them stew. Apparently I still come on too strong, but I’m trying to learn to speak softly.