Hi! I’m creating a new blog. I hope you all will follow me over at that blog. I’ll post links to it here for a while before I stop posting altogether on here. The new page is spellboundscribbler.wordpress.com and please feel free to share it. I just posted my first blog at spellboundscribbler. Come on over and take a look!
I’ve been gone way too long from here. Didn’t realize how long it had been since I wrote a new blog. I have helped open a new store, cut open my hand on a really big deli slicer, pulled out my own stitches. I have also been cleaning out my storage unit.
I have found things I forgot I owned. Some things are keepsakes from my family, items that remind me of relatives both loved and missed. Some things are reminders of things I would like to forget. I found my grandmother’s china, the family bibles, Dad’s novelty ties. I found the giant inflatable penguin with the Christmas decorations, my collection of lingerie, my wedding dress.
Standing in the heat and humidity in the middle of that room I cried, cussed, laughed hysterically. I asked questions to the air that I know I will never get answers to. While I’m not as far down the road to independence as I would like to be, I’m getting a lot closer. I’m letting go of baggage, trying to let go of emotions that are not useful, not healthy. I can’t carry it anymore. I’m trying to take flight, and it’s just a burden I don’t need to carry.
It’s taking a lot of effort to break the habit. It’s easy to cling to emotions that are familiar. New emotions are exciting, scary, addictive. But it takes time for connections to form. The old stuff is what I’m used to, even if it is bad for me. But I will keep trying, keep working on letting go of the negative and finding the positive. I will no longer hide in the shadows of who I used to be. I’m stepping out into the light.
Since I survived flying to Arizona and back I have felt this strange need to prove myself. I want to test my own strength, emotionally and mentally. I am sitting in a hotel room in a town I walked away from when my marriage ended. Rumor has it the Ex is still working here. I found myself telling a friend today that I hope I run into him, figuratively. I have been back here since the break-up. It feels different this time. I’m not the same person. I was still deeply mourning the end of my marriage the last time I was here. Now I see the real me in this place where my life changed forever. I still have a wound from that change. But I’m getting stronger, healthier, happier. I know now that I won’t fall apart if I see him. I’m not going to be petty and juvenile and flip him the bird. I might gloat a bit that the 2-store operation he walked away from has now grown to 8 stores. I guess he just wasn’t strong enough to stick with it.
Personal strength is something to think about. I’m not talking about physical force or stamina. I’m talking about strength of conviction, faith, being able to recognize what you need and how to get it regardless to how hard it may be. The Ex wasn’t strong enough. He had no faith in his own abilities. He put on a good show, and believe me he could sell the show. He could sell ice to an Eskimo and make him think he needed it. But he couldn’t sell the show to himself because he knew it was a lie. He wasn’t strong enough to look in the mirror. Now I can see that. I wasn’t ready to see it then. I wasn’t strong enough to face that reality. Until now.
I’m looking for someone who has some strength. Are you strong enough to look in the mirror? Can you see the options before you and make that decision to follow your heart? Where is the man who is strong enough to take on a woman who is not only looking in her mirror, but talking back to it? Are you strong enough to be my man?
What motivates you? What sets off your fight or flight response? What makes you stand your ground or run and hide? What scares you? Why do you play games with people?
I have a lot of motivations lately. I want to stand on my own and be responsible for myself. I want to be ready to be an equal partner in my next relationship. I want to express myself in whatever manner works for me. I want my voice to be heard. I want to get healthier so I don’t end up sick like my parents were. Besides, healthier people have better sex.
When something scares you, I mean real gut-wrenching fear, do you meet it head-on? or do you look for somewhere to hide, someone to cast blame on? Dealing with fear is a lot like dealing with choices. You have to own it, don’t let it own you. Be the kind of person who has the cahones to face fear and do what needs done without causing more drama. Forgive me, but I’m gonna quote a Harry Potter movie: Fear of the name only increases fear of the thing itself.
Let’s look at an example: some people are afraid to love, to get close to someone, to let another person see them for who they truly are. With this mindset, love itself becomes the enemy. I’m afraid of getting that close to someone and I’ve got the cahones to say it. I own my fear. I’m a lot stronger than I used to be, but the thought of letting someone close enough to break my heart again makes my nerves scream. When someone starts getting close, I want them closer, but I’m afraid to pull them in. It’s normal to fear being hurt. But I won’t let that fear control me. I will reach out to that person. I will take that risk because I refuse to miss out on the opportunity to find something that just might be the love of my life.
Why do some people feel the need to create drama? What does it mean if a person claims she/he can’t stand drama, yet she/he is the one who pushes all the buttons to create the drama? Why would you want to do that to yourself? Do people really enjoy inflicting that kind of pain on themselves and the people around them? That’s the thing I don’t get. Whether you fight or run, why put yourself in the position to have to choose? It’s a complete and utter waste of energy. Let that baggage go. Let go of the emotion that’s tied up in making yourself and the other person miserable. Clean that mess up, then you have some room for some happiness.
I guess I just don’t understand why people want to make themselves miserable. I want to be happy. I want to be loved. I want to know someone desires me as much as I desire him. That’s basically what the human condition boils down to.
I can usually tell when I’ve gone too long without meditating. I get irritable, moody. Little things irritate me more quickly than usual.
For me, meditating helps relieve stress, helps me focus, helps me deal with a lot of issues. It gives me a chance to concentrate on a particular issue, or on nothing at all. Meditating is a lot like praying. You close your eyes, ask for guidance and have a little faith.
I learned to meditate after the loss of my mother and grandmother to a car accident. It was the only thing that kept me sane. It helped me deal with the grief, the anger, and helped me see things I hadn’t seen before. I’ve meditated a good bit since the demise of my marriage. Probably not as much as I should have considering my mood of late. It’s safe to say I’m still grieving for what I thought I had.
I haven’t meditated much lately for several reasons. Even though each one would be valid, they still sound like excuses. I need to meditate so I can deal with the last of the baggage from the Ex. I haven’t let go completely. I’ve not let go because I don’t have the answer to a question. The issues on both sides cancel each other out but they still don’t answer that one question. I will probably never hear an answer to that question. And I have to learn to live with that. It’s just another piece of baggage that needs to be taken to the curb with the trash.
I know I can not take responsibility for the Ex’s actions. I did not make the choices that led me to my aunt’s doorstep a year ago. What I can own up to are the choices I’ve made since then.
I choose to live my life the way I want. I choose to let people get close or not. I choose to let the real me shine through. This is my life. I will have faith in myself to be strong enough to live it.