Hi! I’m creating a new blog. I hope you all will follow me over at that blog. I’ll post links to it here for a while before I stop posting altogether on here. The new page is spellboundscribbler.wordpress.com and please feel free to share it. I just posted my first blog at spellboundscribbler. Come on over and take a look!
I have always been my daddy’s little girl. Dad played Santa Claus a lot when I was little. I learned early the value of making people smile. He also played guitar and was a disc jockey, where I get my love of music from. As a child I would not sleep unless dad was home. Nights he was at the radio station my mother would turn on a radio in my room so I could hear Dad’s voice. He would talk to me on-air.
I also get my irreverent sense of humor from my dad. He would bring me records (yes, I still have vinyl) of Dr. Demento to listen to in my room. And he was a huge fan of Wierd Al Yankovic and Cletus T Judd. Our favorite comedy was Spaceballs. The first movie Dad took me to the theatre to see was The Buddy Holly Story. It was a close second to The Blues Brothers on our favorites list. I remember coming home from school and telling jokes I had heard on the bus. Mom would make me tell Dad just to see him blush.
It’s been over a year since Daddy passed. There are days it feels like it was yesterday. There are also days I feel his presence around me, a quiet comfort when I need him. I am happy he’s in a better place, with no pain or sickness, with all the family that went before him that he missed so dearly. There are still days when wish I could cry on his shoulder.
I love and miss you, Old Man.
Happy Father’s Day to all of you.
I’ve been gone way too long from here. Didn’t realize how long it had been since I wrote a new blog. I have helped open a new store, cut open my hand on a really big deli slicer, pulled out my own stitches. I have also been cleaning out my storage unit.
I have found things I forgot I owned. Some things are keepsakes from my family, items that remind me of relatives both loved and missed. Some things are reminders of things I would like to forget. I found my grandmother’s china, the family bibles, Dad’s novelty ties. I found the giant inflatable penguin with the Christmas decorations, my collection of lingerie, my wedding dress.
Standing in the heat and humidity in the middle of that room I cried, cussed, laughed hysterically. I asked questions to the air that I know I will never get answers to. While I’m not as far down the road to independence as I would like to be, I’m getting a lot closer. I’m letting go of baggage, trying to let go of emotions that are not useful, not healthy. I can’t carry it anymore. I’m trying to take flight, and it’s just a burden I don’t need to carry.
It’s taking a lot of effort to break the habit. It’s easy to cling to emotions that are familiar. New emotions are exciting, scary, addictive. But it takes time for connections to form. The old stuff is what I’m used to, even if it is bad for me. But I will keep trying, keep working on letting go of the negative and finding the positive. I will no longer hide in the shadows of who I used to be. I’m stepping out into the light.
How many things can you think of that you wanted to try and never did? Do you remember why you didn’t? I can think of several things I never tried. My mother was really good at making me feel like I would never accomplish anything. Being taught to fear failure makes it hard to achieve. Setting your own obstacles in your path makes it difficult, also. You can’t prevent yourself from achieving the little goals and expect to reach the big ones. You’re setting yourself up to fail. And you can’t let other people convince you that you’re not good enough to reach the little goals or the big ones.
The trick is finding the fire inside of you that makes you want to achieve regardless to how many people say you can’t do it. The desire to do something or find something or be with someone has to be so strong that you feel you will die if you don’t reach that goal.
You have to ask yourself, “Am I strong enough to take that next step?” Are you willing to take a risk and step outside of your comfort zone? Are you ready to set aside your fear to reach for your destiny? How do you know if you don’t ask yourself the question? How do you know if you don’t take that first step, take that small risk? Small ones lead to big ones. You have to start somewhere.
There are several things I would like to do right now. Are they impossible? Hell, No! Are they impractical at the present time? Yes, Damn it! That doesn’t change the fact that I’m afraid of falling on my face. Nor does it change the fact that I want to stand on my own without fear.
What it means is that I will save and plan and calculate and work my ass off until I can do those things. Anyone can tell me I won’t achieve my goals. I am the only one who will stop me from achieving them.
Somewhere in my future, fear will become obsolete. I will push the debris out of my way, and run defiantly in the face of my opposition. I won’t fear what will happen if I fly there and meet him. I will fly there and see what happens in person.
Patience is a virtue. We’ve all heard this. I’ve written about patience before. I don’t have a lot of it. It’s one of the things I’m working on. I’m also working on recognizing signs. I don’t believe in coincedences. I believe things happen for reasons. I’ve also written about how people come and go in our lives for reasons. I’m still hoping for someone to come along to help me learn some patience.
If you’ve been following my blog, you know by now that I’m recovering from a bad relationship and a misguided childhood. I’m seeing things more clearly than ever before. Those of you who know me from The Writer’s Chatroom know that I’m a flirt. It’s fun and for the most part harmless. I’ve been flirting with a lot of people lately, some close, some far away, some new, some I’ve been flirting with a long time. It’s like playing Cat & Mouse, which I’ve also blogged about. The game can be fun, but everybody has to play along. I’m not one for playing those games for long.
At this point, I’ve figured out what I want. And I DON’T WANT TO WAIT FOR IT! I want something real, something close enough to touch. I want someone who already knows what he wants, and how to recognize it when he finds it. I don’t want to have to drag him in front of his own mirror so he can fix his own problems. He should have done that by now. When the right man comes along I hope I recognize him for who and what he is. And I hope he sees in me what and who I truly am. Because when that happens, true magic comes to life. The magical energy of two hearts perfectly in tune with each other.
As a writer I play What If a lot. But playing What If with my heart is a tricky game. I can dream up dozens of scenarios where I first meet him. The One. I don’t know if I’ve already come across him or if he’s waiting for me to find him. But I’m not going to wait forever on what Might Be. I’m going to push the boundaries of my comfort zone and go in search of What Is.
Since I survived flying to Arizona and back I have felt this strange need to prove myself. I want to test my own strength, emotionally and mentally. I am sitting in a hotel room in a town I walked away from when my marriage ended. Rumor has it the Ex is still working here. I found myself telling a friend today that I hope I run into him, figuratively. I have been back here since the break-up. It feels different this time. I’m not the same person. I was still deeply mourning the end of my marriage the last time I was here. Now I see the real me in this place where my life changed forever. I still have a wound from that change. But I’m getting stronger, healthier, happier. I know now that I won’t fall apart if I see him. I’m not going to be petty and juvenile and flip him the bird. I might gloat a bit that the 2-store operation he walked away from has now grown to 8 stores. I guess he just wasn’t strong enough to stick with it.
Personal strength is something to think about. I’m not talking about physical force or stamina. I’m talking about strength of conviction, faith, being able to recognize what you need and how to get it regardless to how hard it may be. The Ex wasn’t strong enough. He had no faith in his own abilities. He put on a good show, and believe me he could sell the show. He could sell ice to an Eskimo and make him think he needed it. But he couldn’t sell the show to himself because he knew it was a lie. He wasn’t strong enough to look in the mirror. Now I can see that. I wasn’t ready to see it then. I wasn’t strong enough to face that reality. Until now.
I’m looking for someone who has some strength. Are you strong enough to look in the mirror? Can you see the options before you and make that decision to follow your heart? Where is the man who is strong enough to take on a woman who is not only looking in her mirror, but talking back to it? Are you strong enough to be my man?
May I have your attention?
Thank you. I like attention. I don’t have to be the center of attention, but I do enjoy not being ignored. Something that does irritate me is when someone does some little thing to see who’s paying attention, and they do it over and over and over.
Let me tell ya, if you are interesting enough to catch my attention, you don’t need to pester the crap out of me to see if I’m paying attention to you. Try speaking to me. I like conversation, and it takes two of us to have one. And if you are really interesting (you know, a DJ voice, good with your hands, a nice ass), you don’t have to try to get my attention.
You already have it.